Past Sins
by Penn O'Hara
Summary: Is Mike Logan the detective with whom Liz Olivet had a brief affair as alluded to in Season 18 of Law and Order, “Betrayal”?
1. Chapter 1

**"Past Sins"**

**_Copyright 200__8 Penn O'Hara_**

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

**_LOCI Timeline: __During Season Seven._**

_**MY LOCI Timeline: Post "Conversations".**_

_**Is Mike Logan the detective with whom Liz Olivet had a brief affair as alluded to in Season18 of Law and Order, "Betrayal"? What do the Cowboys and their gals think?**_

**oOo**

**Chapter One**

**The small tastefully decorated restaurant was a newcomer to the chic list of New York dining spots and was comfortably crowded, but without the frustrating waiting lines of the 'must-be-seen-in' elite. Lighting was muted, the tables relying on squat white candles in glazed jars to embrace the diners in islands of light. The patrons responded to the Italian love songs piped at a soft volume through a hidden speaker system by sitting close to each other, their heads bent in intimate whispers.**

**Carolyn Barek wished she had brought her man here for dinner only to enjoy and capitalize on the romantic setting, but her plan had been more deliberate. With what she had to confront Mike, she needed a public but quiet setting, where she could temper the impending explosion into a muted, reasonable discussion. The fact that the words 'muted' and 'reasonable' rarely applied to Mike Logan made Carolyn feel justified in her maneuvering.**

**Getting through their meals of mouth-melting ravioli and paper-thin layers of spicy lasagna had been excruciating for Carolyn, torn between feeling of apprehension and culpability. She wanted to lull Mike into a mellow mood before she broached her concerns and her tactic had worked in spades. They had traded work stories, Mike amusedly griping about Falacci's heavy handling of suspects and witnesses alike, interspersed with grudging admiration of Ross' ability to give his detectives their heads but still manage to keep Major Case a tight squad with their Captain's finger very much on its pulse.**

**With each glassful of the expensive merlot Carolyn chose in order to loosen Mike's tongue, he was becoming increasingly amorous. He'd dragged his chair to almost touching hers, one hand was behind her back, his fingers under her top and feathering circles at her waist, causing conflicting goose-bumps to rise from her heated skin. His lips nuzzled her neck and she shivered again when she felt the tip of his tongue trace a line to the base of her ear. The shiver rippled to a shudder as he breathed into her and she set her glass down on the table with a thwack, spilling some of its contents. Carolyn hastily leaned forward to mop up her mess, but Mike stayed her hand, running a finger up her inner wrist and arm and fixing her with a molten look that told her he was ready to go home and made her wish they were already there.**

**His head lowered, his mouth targeting hers, but she pulled away, guilty of what she had to do. She could have taken the pleasurable road and succumbed, allowed his lips to claim hers in a kiss that, in his present mood, could draw the heart out of her chest and have it beating in her throat, but she knew it would weaken her resolve to air what was on her mind.**

**Brows furrowing over darkened eyes, Mike cocked his head in confusion at her rejection. "What gives?" he asked, his voice low and disturbed. Carolyn knew what she would discover if she allowed her hand to stray under the table. The impulse to do just that was so strong, she wrapped both hands firmly around her wine glass to deny the urge. She swallowed over the constriction in her throat and stretched against the tension in the back of her neck.**

**"I…overheard some officers talking…at work," she began, determined to get it over with. "They were talkin' about departmental shrinks and their worth. Their loyalty. Liz Olivet's name came up." Carolyn watched Mike closely, gauging his reaction to the woman's name. A brow quirked with vague interest, but she detected little more.**

**"One of them commented on how Olivet not only disappeared from the departmental list of preferred psychiatrists but also from the Court rounds." Carolyn took a deep breath. "Another guy offered the explanation that she'd been 'black-listed' after havin' to admit she had an affair with a NYPD detective who happened to be a patient of hers."**

**Pausing, Carolyn gave Mike the chance to input into the conversation, but his mouth merely lifted in an amused but unconcerned smile.**

**"Someone wanted to know who the detective was, and this guy said it was Mike Logan. Without a doubt." Carolyn bit her lip, her face pulling in pain. "I never knew. You never told me."**

**Carolyn got her reaction now. Mike hissed in a harsh breath, his nose pinched as he gaze drilled into hers. "That's because it didn't happen," he said through clenched teeth.**

**"I didn't take this guy's word for it," Carolyn hurried on. "I did some research, Mike. It's there in the court transcript. Liz Olivet was a witness for the defense, when she was accused of sleepin' with a patient. A detective in the NYPD who was sent to her after the violent death of his partner. Mike, she counseled you after Max Greevey was shot."**

**As he pulled back in his chair, Carolyn felt Mike mentally, more than physically, distancing himself. She could have left this alone, allowed it to lie buried in his past where it belonged, but she needed to hear his side of the story, considering how her colleagues' conversation had quickly turned into ribald and derogatory comments.**

**"She did," Mike clipped. "But I never slept with her. We're friends. Nothin' more." He hunched over the table, chin down, then his eyes lifted, piercing her guilt. "You've seen my file. It's thick with a lot of sins, but sleepin' with the Force psych isn't one of 'em."**

**Carolyn wanted to believe him, but her need for peace of mind demanded she tax him with all that she knew.**

**"I called Lieutenant Van Buren," she said, keeping her tone low and controlled. "She was close-mouthed at first, but when I explained how important it was to me that I know for sure, she gave in. She's convinced it's true but she never brought you to task about it. She knew what you'd been through. Max's death, Ceretta pullin' through what could have been a fatal bullet. And everyone knew you were the first person Olivet called when she was raped by that OBGYN…"**

**"There's nothing to bring me to task about!" Mike stood up, knocking his chair backward.**

**Holding out her hand to him, she allowed her eyes and voice to overflow with the love she felt. "Mike, sit down. Please."**

**"I can see you don't believe me," he rumbled, the effort it cost him to be calm obvious in his thinned lips and set jaw. "Can we at least continue this at home?"**

**"No. I want to keep it civil. I've found if you have to keep a cap on things, tempers stay under control."**

**Mike bent and placed both hands flat on the table, swinging his head in close, almost nose to nose. "You accusin' me of somethin', Carolyn? I'm not sure what. If it's sleepin' with Liz, it's water under the bridge, but if you think I'm a jerk who can't keep a handle on things, then we've got a _real _problem."**

**Carolyn gulped a shocked breath, pain stabbing at her chest. "So you admit it?"**

**"Admit what?"**

**"You slept with Olivet?"**

**Pushing himself away from the table with a force that rocked their wine glasses, Mike straightened and looked harshly down at her. "I'm outta here." Pulling out his wallet, he peeled off some bills and dumped them onto the table.**

**Carolyn had no choice but to follow, catching up with him outside. He stood at the curb, hands stuffed in his pockets, scanning the traffic. She grabbed his arm, but he shrugged her off.**

**She grabbed him again, hanging on more tightly, determination over-riding pride. "Mike, I'm sorry. But I gotta know."**

**He looked at her bleakly. "I didn't sleep with her."**

**She saw his disappointment in her, in her accusing him and worse, not believing him. It cut her to the bone, but she had to see it through, whatever the outcome.**

**"I was probably her worst patient," he said, head hanging. "I fought her all the way, but she didn't give up on me. She got me through it. We became friends." He sighed loudly, dispirited. "Another friend I dumped when I got shipped out to the Staten." He swung his head toward her, his jaw working over the distress Carolyn saw flood his face.**

**"I wouldn't insult Liz by makin' a play for her," he said, his voice tortured. 'And she certainly never gave me any reason to believe she would welcome anythin' more than friendship from me. Now, can we drop this?"**

**Carolyn nodded, torn between wanting to believe him and somehow doubting it would be something to which he'd admit.**

**"Hell, Carolyn, you're still not convinced!" Mike shook his head in shocked disbelief, pressed his car keys into her hand and stepped off the curb to hail a passing cab.**

**Riveted to the spot, Carolyn watched him direct the driver but couldn't hear the instructions. He slammed the car door as it sped off, leaving her standing there, dying inside.**

**oOo**

_**Continued next week: Bobby and Alex and Carolyn.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**"Past Sins"**

**_Copyright 200__8 Penn O'Hara_**

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

_**LOCI Timeline: During Season Seven.**_

_**MY LOCI Timeline: Post "Conversations".**_

_**A/N: See "Other Choices" for the St Patrick's Day reference herein, and thanks, El Chacal, for reminding me Van Buren is not a Captain. LOL. Mind slip there.**_

**oOo**

**Chapter Two**

**The young Rosella eyed Carolyn warily from within its cage, wings twitching, hopping nervously on its perch, prepared to take evasive action should she move from the couch. But Carolyn didn't feel like going anywhere. She'd sought the sanctuary of Alex Eames' apartment, hoping for affirmation of her decision to tax Mike with what she knew.**

**"He left you standin' on the sidewalk?" Alex asked, incredulous, returning to the living room after making coffee. "What a jerk!"**

**Carolyn instinctively defended her man. "He…was hurt. That I didn't believe him. I should have more faith."**

**"There's faith and there's denial," Alex said firmly before handing over a cup to Carolyn. She folded a leg under herself as she joined Carolyn on the couch and sipped at her own.**

**"Everyone's talkin' about it," Alex went on. "Not when he's around though. The women who like Logan reckon it happened after Olivet stopped counselin' him. Those that wouldn't touch him with a bargepole thought she deserved what she got for sullyin' herself."**

**Carolyn felt a prickle of anger at her friend's brusque dismissal of Mike, before dousing it with the knowledge that Alex Eames' directness was what made her such a good friend. You always knew where you were with her. No hidden agendas.**

**"That's kinda harsh, even for you," Carolyn said. "What do _you_ think?"**

**Alex took a sip from her cup and grinned. "I'm one of the ones that like him."**

**"You think he and Liz did—?"**

**Alex shrugged. "Why not? It seems after the doctor-patient relationship ended, they remained friends, and well, friends sometimes fuck for the fun of it—"**

**"Alex!"**

**"Carolyn!" Alex mimicked her shocked indignation exactly. "If you can't handle Logan bein' with other women in the past, then you have a serious issue you need to address."**

**Carolyn was uncomfortable her friend could think her so petty. "You think that's all this is?" she asked, not disguising her resentment. "Jealousy?" She leaned forward and put her cup on the coffee table, turning to face Alex. "You didn't hear the guys in the office. Mike's name was being bandied around with speculation and ridicule. I just wanna look out for him. Squash this before it gets ridiculous."**

**"You mean they haven't got to Olivet havin' Logan's baby yet?"**

**Carolyn gasped, her heart flooring. "Is that the rumor in Major Case?" she choked.**

**Alex put a hand over Carolyn's where it lay on the couch. "That's one of the lesser ones." Her face softened into a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry, Carolyn, you think I'm being cruel. But you gotta prepare yourself for what you're gonna hear. People love to talk. And Logan has always provided good fuel. He's never been one to—"**

**A knock at the door had Alex' head turning, her eyes brightening into expectation. "That must be Bobby," she said, with a breathless anticipation. She searched Carolyn's face. "Do you want me to tell him to go?"**

**Aware that Alex and Bobby's feelings for each other ran deeper than anyone else suspected, Carolyn was torn between good manners demanding she allow them their private moment and a natural curiosity to hear Bobby's take on the Olivet issue.**

**"If you don't mind," she said, feeling selfish, "I'd like to hear what Bobby thinks."**

**Alex gave her hand an encouraging squeeze and hurried to let him in. Carolyn watched Bobby as he entered, eyes only for Alex and a warm smile on his lips. His head lowered toward her but Alex awkwardly stepped away from his kiss of greeting, tipping her head toward the couch where Carolyn sat.**

**"I've got a visitor," she mumbled, color spreading up her neck when Bobby folded her into an embrace anyway. **

**Bobby swung his head around and raised a brow at Carolyn. "Barek," he said, his voice level and grave.**

**"Bobby," Carolyn returned, equally dead-pan.**

**He looked back at Alex. "If you don't kiss me, Barek will."**

**Carolyn couldn't prevent her crow of laughter. Bobby never took her to task for the way she kissed him in _Murphy's_ the night of St Patrick's Day, but it seemed he was prepared to tease her about it. Unabashed, she watched him tenderly kiss Alex and thought again what an oddly-matched, but ideal couple they made. She wondered if her friends thought the same about her and Mike.**

**Alex broke from the embrace first, smoothing down her top with restive hands, while Bobby smiled at her indulgently. He reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear, bending down and barring her path back to Carolyn as he checked out the effect.**

**"You blush beautifully, Alex," he said.**

**Eames tossed her head, undoing his adjustment. "Yeah, right," she said, gruffly. "Enough of that. Carolyn wants your opinion on somethin'."**

**Carolyn moved into one of the comfortable high-backed chairs on the other side of the coffee table so Bobby and Alex could settle on the couch. Bobby pulled Alex into the crook of his arm and held her resisting body fast as he gave Carolyn his full attention.**

**"You're concerned about the rumors…Logan and Olivet," he said, not surprising her by immediately going to the heart of the matter.**

**She nodded gratefully, glad she didn't have to explain. "Mike's denyin' it, but at the same time, he reacted badly. You know the old saying… about protesting too much."**

**"I would believe him," Bobby said frowning, as if surprised she didn't. "They've known each other… for over …fifteen years. They shared the most… emotionally intimate moments possible… for a man and woman." **

**Carolyn felt sick to the stomach. To hear it come so matter-of-factly from Bobby was worse than imagining it herself. She must have worn her reaction on her face, because Bobby lifted a hand and shifted on the couch so suddenly Alex grunted. Apologizing softly to her, he rearranged her against his side then turned his attention back to Carolyn. **

**"I…ah… don't mean as… lovers." He fixed her with an open and earnest stare. "Logan would have had to emotionally… bare himself as he worked through his response to the death of his partner. And Olivet…" He wound the air up with his hand. "…sought his help after experiencin' one of the most traumatic… violations possible for a woman." Carolyn saw his arm tighten around Alex as if in subconscious protection. "The bond they forged from these two incidents alone… is gonna put them in a place… where, ah… outside others may not understand the resulting relationship."**

**He pursed his lips, eyes narrowing. "For Logan and Olivet, though, these weren't… isolated incidents." **

**Carolyn nodded. "He visited her in the middle of the night soon after the Tarkman shooting," she said. "We all thought he was okay with how it went down, but..." She took a quick breath. "And I wasn't much help—" Her chest knotted, making it harder to explain. She hadn't been any use to him that night and he'd turned to Liz Olivet instead. She flayed herself with the knowledge, her throat tightening around her next words. "He knew _she_ wouldn't… turn him away."**

**Bobby's frown deepened. "I was talkin' 'bout the time when Olivet… helped him with his retarded niece."**

**Her eyes widening, Carolyn straightened in her chair. "I didn't know…" With each piece of new information, she felt worse. "How—?" But it was an unnecessary question. Bobby Goren forgot more information than most people ever knew.**

**Bobby obligingly expanded. "Neighbors… disturbed by her occasional outbursts tried to get her committed. Olivet convinced the presiding judge in the matter to… not only let her remain in her own home… but ordered Medicaid to subsidize a live-in carer."**

**He paused, giving her time to interject, but Carolyn was rendered speechless by how little she knew about Mike and his family.**

**"These two have… supported each other for a long time," Bobby continued, "and I believe him if he said it was never… sexual." He looked down at the top of Alex' head where it nestled against his shoulder, the flare in his gaze confirming his relationship with Alex was very much so. **

**The fire was banked when he looked back at Carolyn. "But to question their bond… could be seen by Logan as… as questionin' his integrity. You would have prodded a… protective tiger."**

**"I didn't exactly give him the idea I believed him," Carolyn agreed guiltily. She processed what Bobby said, and it made a lot of sense. She wished she had been empathic enough to have seen it for herself. "I feel like a heel."**

**"It's not… uncommon for people too…ah, close to the subject to miss what others see. No need to be hard on yourself."**

**Alex stirred. "Any idea where he went?" she asked.**

**Carolyn sighed. "After he left the restaurant, I collected the car and went straight home. No sign he'd been there, so I went to his old apartment. It's not the first time—" She pulled herself up, shying away from thinking about his encounter with Holly the last time he stayed there. "He wasn't there either. Other than that—"**

**"An old watering hole?" Alex suggested.**

**"I rang there. Pete knows me. In fact, the bartender has even contacted _me_ when Mike is feeling low enough to glue himself to a stool there."**

**"He and Captain Cragen are still friends?" Bobby asked and Carolyn nodded.**

**"Yeah. I didn't think of him. If he's there, he's in good hands. Maybe I shouldn't worry and just let him come home when he's ready."**

**Alex looked skeptical. "Sounds like a good idea, but can you do it?" She smiled, a mixture of teasing and disbelief.**

**Carolyn sighed again, her shoulders dropping. "You know me too well already."**

**oOo**

**Lifting leaden feet up the short flight of brick steps, Logan leaned one hand wearily against the door jamb and pressed his forehead against the wood of the front door, made cool by the night air.**

**He was a mass of conflicting emotions and unable to move past the stab of betrayal and lack of faith he perceived in Carolyn. After directing the cabbie to his old apartment, he prowled around its empty rooms — empty of Carolyn — before realizing it wasn't familiar walls he needed to salve his punctured pride, but a familiar friend. He decided to walk here rather than take another taxi, giving himself time to clear his head and get a calmer handle on himself. **

**Raising his arm, Logan gave the door three heavy knocks on the paneling and waited, chin tucked into his chest, his knuckles sliding down the surface as he let his arm fall by his side.**

**There was no need to knock again. The door opened and Logan lifted pleading eyes and gave a smile that was an embarrassed twist of his lips.**

**oOo**

**_To be continued… up next, Logan and whoever __opened that door._**

**oOo**


	3. Chapter 3

**WIP**

**"Past Sins"**

**_Copyright 200__8 Penn O'Hara_**

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

**_LOCI Timeline: __During Season Seven._**

_**MY LOCI Timeline: Post "Conversations".**_

_**A/N: You might like to check out my Photostories on the two eps which feature Logan's and Olivet's "relationship" either professional or personal or both, BEFORE you read this chapter. In "Helpless", Logan's reactions are particularly 'telling'. You'll have to message me for the URLs though, ffnet regulations, using the email on my profile page.**_

**oOo**

**Chapter Three**

**"You shouldn't have come," she said, her eyes, darting behind him, watchful.**

**"You want to be alone?" Logan asked. Her being guarded disturbed him, now of all times. She never turned him away, no matter the hour nor the problem. When his life spiraled out of control, she was a constant, an island upon which to drag himself to avoid the currents. His nerves tightened, feeling anxious that this had changed.**

**"I'm not alone." Her eyes slid in the direction of a room down the corridor. From its open door, Logan could hear the sound of a television broadcasting a late night news service.**

**"Then maybe I don't want to be alone." Desperation put an edge to his voice that she didn't deserve.**

**"You have Carolyn now."**

**He pushed himself from the door jamb where he had been leaning, and smacked his palm on the half-opened door. "Shit, Liz, are you going to let me in or not?" Logan's impatience grew as she hesitated, before finally stepping back and waving him in. Liz shut the door and was already walking down the corridor. **

**Shrugging out of his coat, he hung it beside the door, watching her pause at the living room and speak quietly to someone inside. In his present mood, he didn't even care who she had with her, catching up to follow her to the study, where he prowled, restlessly stopping and swinging around to fix her with a glare.**

**He watched her delicately curl her slim body into her favorite arm-chair, wrists draped over its wide rests, and poise herself for his explanation of the reason for his visit. Faced with such calm acceptance of his disturbing her and her plans for the evening, Logan felt like a heel, something he'd never experienced with her before.**

**"You know why I'm here," he said, throwing himself onto the well-worn sofa before she made an issue of his impatience.**

**"You think I need sympathy? From you?" Her eyes, neutral before, now hardened. The last time he'd seen that expression she'd been attacked too, physically then, now verbally. "I want an apology. From Jack McCoy. A public admission even, that he crossed the line. I don't need the DA's Office. I don't need the NYPD. But it suits them all to use me!"**

**"And you don't need me?" Logan sounded plaintive to his own ears, but he was raw from Carolyn's suspicions and it seemed Liz was accusing him of using her too.**

**She threw both hands into the air. "I don't need this! I was entertaining."**

**"You call watching the evening news, 'entertaining'?" he scoffed. "I haven't taught you anything."**

**"Maybe a man like you can't teach me anything!" she snapped.**

**The body-blow floored Logan, slapped back his next words and froze him half-way off the couch.**

**"Mike." Liz leaned forward, the hardness evaporating as if it had never been. "Neither of us need each other now. We've moved on. We've each found, at last, our soul-mates. We can finally let go."**

**"No! Damn you!" His limbs unlocked, but her calm implacability drove him back, deflated, onto the couch. "I can't let go. Not after what we've been through. Together. Not when you know so much about me. Sometimes, I think you know things I don't even know."**

**"Don't mistake the loss of your crutch for abandonment, Mike," she said linking her fingers in her lap and leaning back. "You're better than that. Carolyn and I aren't so different. She knows you better than you think, which is why she hung on when others have let go."**

**Logan wearily rubbed his face with his hands. "I think I blew it though. With Carolyn. I over-reacted." Liz made a non-committal noise and he looked up with suspicion, but her face was a calm mask. "She wanted to know about our relationship."**

**"What did you tell her?"**

**He threw out a hand. "How can I explain to someone else, something I can't define for myself?"**

**"What did you tell her?"**

**"That I … we did nothin' I'm ashamed of."**

**Liz nodded. "The truth can't hurt her. As for your over-reacting? She should be used to it."**

**He grimaced and took a deep breath. His nerves weren't so jangled, his blood flowing less hotly. "I don't deserve her."**

**Liz leaned forward quickly, grasping his knee and surprising him with her directness. "Mike Logan. Any woman who wins your love is set for life. I believe… Carolyn is the first. And she will be the last. That makes her truly fortunate."**

**Logan stared at her, unable move, nor answer. For a man scarred by one woman in his youth, he found it amazing two other women later in his life made him feel so special and… cherished. **

**"She hasn't tried to call you on your cell, has she?" Liz stated, as if already guessing the answer.**

**"No. If she did…"**

**Liz nodded and gave a knowing smile. "She won't. Because she does know you. She knows you need your space to work things through for yourself. And when you're ready… you'll go back to her better than you left her."**

**"What do I tell her?" he asked, regretting leaving her in a temper but resenting he had been provoked.**

**Leaning back in her chair again, Liz smiled the smile of the psychiatrist who will prod the deepest secrets from you but venture nothing of her own. "What you do is, love her with all of your being. Give her your present and your future, but you leave the past in the past."**

**Logan's eyes widened, his jaw dropping slightly. "Did you just tell me what to do without making me work it out for myself?"**

**Liz laughed, and shook her head. "I believe you've already done that. Before you second-guessed yourself. Before you came here." She linked her hands again. "So… why did you come here?"**

**Logan was still, searching her face, gauging how much to tell her. "I was concerned. For you. You got the raw deal from our department. Several times."**

**"Another reason why I went into private practice and free-lanced. Like I said before, I don't need the DA's Office. I was doing them a service and this is how they repay me."**

**"Is there anything I can do?" He didn't know what. If he tried to quash the rumors, he would only fuel the fire. To say nothing, would make them look guilty.**

**Tipping her head to the side, Liz smiled. "You could go and take a swing at Jack for me, but I wouldn't want to put you back on the island."**

**Logan started to smile until her last statement pricked at his guilt. "I'm sorry about that. I never kept in touch."**

**"You never do when you're flaying yourself for imagined sins. It's one of the things that frustrates me so."**

**Logan's mouth twisted and he took another deep breath, processing how he felt. "I think… I have done it. I have moved on. I don't need my 'crutch' any more."**

**"Then I am the loser here. I shall miss you, Mike." **

**She gracefully slid from her chair, clasped his hands and drew him to his feet. Pressing her body into his, she held him to her in a fierce hug, her cheek against his heart.**

**"There was so much between us," she murmured against his chest, "but so much we never did. How crazy is that?"**

**"Coming from a shrink, Liz…" **

**With her body against his, his chin resting atop her head, he didn't need to finish the sentence.**

**oOo**

**When her cell rang in her pocket, Carolyn whipped it out, fumbling in her haste, desperate for the caller to be Mike. She didn't care how pathetic it might look to Alex and Bobby while the caller ID confirmed her hopes.**

**"Mike! Where are you?"**

**"Where do you want me to be?" His voice was laden with uncertainty, but Carolyn was too glad to hear it to think about scoring points with him.**

**"Oh, hon, with me. No where but with me." Her heart was thumping in her chest, making her aware how terrified she had been that she had pushed him too far. "Tell me where you are and I'll come and get you."**

**"No, I'll…I'll get a taxi. See you at home?"**

**"Yes, hon, I'll see you there." She gently closed the lid of the phone, biting her lip, then looked at Bobby.**

**"What do I do?" she asked. "Make him talk about it or drop it?"**

**"I'd demand to know where he's been for starters," Alex said crisply from under Bobby's arm, and Goren gave her an indulgent squeeze.**

**"Follow his lead," Bobby amended, smiling through Alex' glare. "If he wants… to explain where he's…ah, been… then listen. Don't force it outta him."**

**"And the rumors?" Carolyn persisted, unsure how to handle those.**

**"You'll give them credibility… if you get involved. And they're… no one's business but Elizabeth Olivet's and… ah, whoever that detective was."**

**oOo**

**_A/N: Did Liz and Mike…? Or didn't they? Up next… Carolyn and Mike._**


	4. Chapter 4

**WIP**

**"Past Sins"**

**_Copyright 200__8 Penn O'Hara_**

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

**_LOCI Timeline: __During Season Seven._**

_**MY LOCI Timeline: Post "Conversations".**_

**_A/N: I made another photostory to get myself immersed in this chapter__, called "Trust". Email me for the link if you're interested in seeing it. It's solely Logan/Barek and based on the episode, "Diamond Dogs"._**

**oOo**

**Chapter Four**

**Entering their apartment, Carolyn was immediately aware Mike had beaten her home. His leather coat was hanging on its hook against the wall, his shoes neatly paired on the shoe stand and the window was opened to the three inch gap through which she liked to allow the still crisp early Spring air into the living room. She smiled to herself, heartened that she had been able to cure Mike of some of his bad habits, namely throwing his coat onto the couch, kicking his shoes off in front of it and relying on the reverse-cycle air conditioner for his climate needs.**

**"And they say you can't change a man," she said proudly as she went in search of him.**

**The sound of running water drew her to the bathroom, but filled her with apprehension. They needed to talk, and Carolyn couldn't afford to be diverted by a Mike Logan freshly showered, damp and tousled, and minimally dressed. Pushing resolve to the fore, she breezily called to him as she entered the bathroom.**

**"I'm back, hon. I was with Alex. It took me a while to negotiate the traffic."**

**She saw him move, his silhouette distorted by the frosted glaze of the shower door. Steam rose and broke over the cubicle, misting the full length mirror on the wall opposite.**

**Carolyn bent down and retrieved his shirt and trousers, discarded on the floor at her feet, acceding there were some housekeeping battles she hadn't yet won. The moist air in the bathroom was laden with the deep scent of the Jaguar Pure Instinct shower gel she bought for Mike but it mingled with a lighter sweeter perfume. Carolyn brought Mike's shirt to her nose and inhaled deeply. It _was_ perfume. She didn't recognize it, but it was unmistakably feminine. Her heart tripped and jolted to a stop, before burdening her chest with a sickening off-kilter beat.**

**The shower ceased and the cubicle door opened. Carolyn slowly lowered the shirt and turned her head to catch the flash of resignation on Mike's face.**

**"You'll smell her on my shirt, but nowhere else," he said, reaching for a towel, his eyes not meeting hers.**

**"You just showered—"**

**"That's got nothin' to do with it."**

**Hissing in a breath, Carolyn turned away. "We gotta talk, but put some clothes on first. I don't need the distraction." Dumping his shirt and trousers back onto the floor, she left the room.**

**Seething, she headed for the kitchen, where she poured herself a glass of red wine, determined to dull the knife edge that was twisting in her chest and get a handle on her emotions before she saw him again.**

**Don't fire off, she told herself. That's what Mike does. You're the calm one. Get all the facts, _then_ kill him.**

**She grabbed a beer for him and took her glass into the living room where she settled onto the couch to wait. Gulping wine, she forced herself to blank her mind and not to jump to conclusions. She looked up as he joined her on the seat, dressed in low-slung blue jeans and a black T-shirt, an appealing combination that made her look hastily away. He might as well have stayed naked. Carolyn couldn't help but want him no matter what he wore or what he'd done and it made her angry, both at him _and_ herself.**

**"Where were you?" she asked, her throat hurting with the effort.**

**"I went to see Liz."**

**No prevarication. No hesitation. He hit her with it up front.**

**"Olivet?" she gasped. "Just like that? She just opens her door to you any hour of the night."**

**"That's right, Carolyn. She's a friend."**

**"A very _good _friend," she snapped.**

**"Yes. She is."**

**Carolyn pressed her fingers against her forehead, massaging the ache between her eyes. She took another gulp of wine, giving herself the courage to calmly face him.**

**"I got you a beer," she said, pointing to the sweating bottle on the coffee table, buying time. Ignoring it, he remained watchful and waiting.**

**"Why?" she asked. "Why go and see her?"**

**"I wanted to make sure she was all right."**

**She watched him push his heavy silver ring across his knuckle, his tell that he was thinking deeply and carefully.**

**"Because you're a loyal, devoted friend," Carolyn scoffed, feeling hysteria bubble up within her and unable to prevent it, "…who cares so much about your friends that you drop them for a decade and then suddenly… suddenly you're so close to them, their perfume is all over you!"**

**Mike's jaw clenched against her tirade, his eyes diamond-cold as his mouth chewed back a retort.**

**She'd gone too far, but it was too late to reel back the words.**

**Sucking in a breath, Mike leaned back onto the couch and folded his arms, building a barrier between them, his gaze spearing her. "You, Carolyn," he said, ominously low, "have my loyalty, my devotion _and_ my love. If you didn't know that before, know it now." He paused, giving her time to interrupt, but she had nothing to say. "What I have with you, I'm _not_ gonna throw away by doin' whatever it is you think I did. What's between Liz an' me is between _us_ and doesn't affect how I feel about you."**

**Carolyn's eyes dropped, unable to hold his direct gaze. These were the words she wanted to hear, but she feared he knew that and used that knowledge to add credence to his argument.**

**"What's in the past," he continued, "doesn't affect how I feel about you. You can choose to believe me or not, but I can't say it plainer. I was concerned about Liz and we talked. She hugged me before I left. That's it. Maybe we both needed that hug, but that's all we did."**

**Carolyn's limbs were locked with tension as she tried not to imagine them in each other's arms. "Why did _you_ need it?"**

**He threw his arms wide, his face incredulous, as if he couldn't believe she hadn't worked that one out for herself. "I felt…under attack… back at the restaurant. I was concerned about Liz but all you were concerned about was beatin' me over the head with a past relationship."**

**Nausea grabbed at Carolyn's stomach, her head spinning from relief. She believed him, and she realized how dangerously close she had come to pushing her man onto another woman.**

**Mike leaned forward and took her hands in his, searching her face. "What is it about me you don't trust?"**

**Carolyn's eyes fell. She knew he was demanding an honest answer, but she had none to offer.**

**Dropping her hands, Mike erupted from the couch. "Do I have to prove myself again?" He whirled around, frustration pulling at his face. "I thought the barriers were down when I admitted to myself that I loved you… _told_ you I loved you. I thought I proved somethin' when I agreed to move in here." Bending down, he leaned a hand either side of her, pinning her to the couch and thrust his face into hers. "What's next? What more will it take to convince you? Marriage? Will that be enough?"**

**Her heart leapt at the thought, but she couldn't speak. Couldn't move.**

**"Or will you want more again?" he continued through her silence. "Kids? But where do you go from there, Carolyn? What further act of proof after we have kids together?"**

**Still she said nothing, not daring to push him on that one and he flung himself away with an exasperated shout.**

**"Fuck, Carolyn, I get this feelin' you're just _waitin'_ for me to slip up."**

**Forced to give him some sort of explanation, she pathetically grasped at a clinical one. "Case studies have shown… that boys… abused by their mothers become men with issues. I guess… I've been watchin' and waitin' for those issues to materialize."**

**"_Fuck!" _Mike punched his hand into his open palm, swinging around again as if desperately seeking a bolt-hole. Freezing, he turned back to her. "It's come to that again! You torpedoed me with that on our first case together and you're doin' it again." He swooped in on her again, his face twisted, pushing her back hard against the couch. "I could have throttled you that day. Did you know? Did you guess? I understood why you did it… to get that kid onside. To alienate him from his mother and break 'im and get the confession. But I still felt like squeezin' the life out of you for doin' it to me."**

**Carolyn turned her head away. She deserved all of this. She guessed at Mike's repressed violence even then, but she gambled he'd hold it in during the interrogation and he did. To get the job done. She agonized over doing that to him so early in their partnership, but they both moved beyond it, worked as successful team afterward.**

**Even became lovers.**

**But acknowledging that she deserved it, didn't make his attack of her now any more palatable nor acceptable. Needing to gain some ground, an unbidden survival instinct forced her to turn on him.**

**"Then do it now!" she snarled, whipping her face round and throwing the words at him, meeting anger with anger. "Try it now, hotshot! Let's clear the air. I'll take you on. Don't know if I'll win, but I'll get a lot of satisfaction tryin'!"**

**Mike's head jerked back in shock, then a grin slowly spread across his face, morphing into full-blown laughter. Straightening from her, he bent over double again with an amused whoop.**

**Carolyn moved.**

**Throwing herself at him low, she took him down. They landed on the floor, the element of surprise splaying him helplessly under her and she straddled him, her hands pinning his shoulders to the floor.**

**Her advantage lasted mere seconds.**

**Jack-knifing, Mike flipped her over, pressing his body full-length to hers, his weight immobilizing her and forcing the breath from her.**

**"That's one helluva way to ask me to make love to you," he snarled.**

**Her lip curled. "Don't flatter yourself, Logan. I was just tryin' to shut you up."**

**"I got a better way," he gritted, swooping down on her with a hard kiss.**

**Carolyn put her best efforts into struggling, but she knew it was a lost cause the instant his lips touched hers. Muffled protests in her throat and attempts to toss her head only incited him and made him more insistent. Their bodies mocked the emotional undercurrents scoring the air, responding with the attraction that combusted whenever they came in contact.**

**His fast, hard kisses were stealing what little breath she had left. Carolyn gasped. "I…can't…breathe…"**

**Rolling onto his back, Mike took her with him, and she pushed against his chest, victorious.**

**"_Sucker!_" she crowed.**

**"Get those pants off an' I'll show you how much!" he muttered, eyes glinting.**

**Carolyn playfully slapped him. "Crude as well as gullible. Logan, you have no class."**

**"An' you _love_ it!"**

**Carolyn sighed, her shoulders dropping in defeat. "You're right. I do. I'm sorr—"**

**Scooping a hand behind her neck, he dragged her down to him, murmuring against her lips. "No apologies. We don't need 'em. This is the way it is between us, Carolyn. Okay? The highs an' the lows. The gems an' the thorns. This is the way I want it."**

**She straightened and smiled, feeling the love radiate out of her and hoping that he could see it. "Okay, hon. I get you." Bending down, she placed a tender kiss against his mouth, breathing into him as it deepened and she melted under the drug that was the taste and feel of him.**

**Pulling back again, her eyes misting, Carolyn sighed again. "I love you, Logan."**

**"Then quit jawin' and do somethin' about it, Barek," he said, his teeth snapping.**

**"Fuck you, cowboy," she said amenably, grabbing the hem of his T-shirt and ripping it up over his head before he could blink. Tossing it across the room, her fingers went to the zipper on his jeans.**

**"Race you to the finish!" he laughed.**

**A tussle ensued as they each tried to gain supremacy in the stripping stakes. Carolyn tried to get Mike's zipper down with one hand while her other tried to prevent him from doing the same to her. They battled each other, scuffling and laughing, until they both lay on their backs, exhausted on the floor, arms splayed over each other.**

**Carolyn's shirt was stretched and askew but her trousers intact, while Mike's zipper was only semi-down. She turned her head to gaze at him as he stared at the ceiling.**

**Lifting an arm and flopping it down again, he acceded defeat. "Ladies first."**

**"That's better," she grinned. "'Bout time you accepted the natural order of things." Pushing herself up onto her elbow, she circled a finger around his zipper, teasing him with her intent. "You put these jeans on deliberately, didn't you?" she mused.**

**He turned to look at her. "Yeah, I'm generally deliberate about puttin' on clothes. I get to work without gettin' arrested that way."**

**She pouted at him. "You know what I mean. You know how these jeans make your buns look totally edible."**

**He frowned. "Now, how would I know that?"**

**"Because every time you put them on, I can't help myself." She bent down and feathered her lips along his jaw. "I gotta take 'em off you again."**

**"Barek…" He pulled back his head to look at her in confusion. "Are you gonna talk about it? Or _do_ it?"**

**"And that's another thing!" She sat up, hands on hips, in mock reproof. "You know it makes me hot when you call me 'Barek', and you did it before too! When I was gettin' all mushy and lovin', you went and turned up the heat."**

**His eyes opened, innocent-wide. "Hey, I'm all for mushy and lovin', but right now, I could do with a little action."**

**Mike's hands went for her shirt, popping every button, and bunching it behind her, trapping her arms in the sleeves. Holding the effective straight-jacket with one hand, his other went for her trousers, deftly pushing the button through and dragging down the zipper with fluid, practiced movements.**

**Carolyn found herself flipped onto her back again, immobile, with her trousers pooled around her ankles. Mike's hand zeroed in onto her panties, one finger hooked into the lace.**

**He slowly dragged them down.**

**"Barek, you gotta know you take the challenge out of it when you don't wear a bra," he chuckled, then lowered his head to hers.**

**Lips almost touching, he stopped.**

**"By the way..." he said softly, "...I win."**

**oOo**

_**Finis.**_

**… _until the next 'little idea'. :grin:_**


End file.
